Philothea
Life in the JVC

Jesuit Volunteer Corps

February 23, 2003
In high school Mr. Olson, my favorite teacher, was an alumnus of the Peace Corps and I was determined to follow in his path. I was talking it over with my father when I was a college freshman, and he said �You know, there�s a lot of need right here in America, and nobody is sending people here to help.� I thought he was right, so I changed my focus to the U.S. Then I thought, why not join a Christian based volunteer group? And then, why not a Catholic one? So that had always been my plan after graduation, to devote a few years when I was relatively unencumbered to service.

Then last year I forgot. Somehow, whether because of September 11th or some other reason I was crippled by constant self-doubt. I couldn�t see past each semester, let alone graduation. I used to be self-confident, but for the last two years something inside me keeps whispering that I�m worthless, I�ll never graduate, I can�t do anything. The best possible future would be one where I�m not responsible for anyone else so I won�t hurt anybody. Whenever I start looking for jobs or internships everything I see makes me think �I can�t do that, I�m not qualified for that, you�re not smart enough, good enough, kind enough. You�d only ruin people�s lives if you were in a position of any power.� When I tell people I want a job where I don�t have to do any thinking, I always see shocked looks on their faces. I guess it is a servile mentality.

So this weekend I figured out that my message box kept being exceeded because I had 2000 messages in my various files, so I started cleaning them out. I found an e-mail Jeana sent two years ago about the Jesuit Volunteer Corps. So I clicked on the link and remembered that it was what I wanted to do after graduation. The applications are due in a week. I printed out an application and spent Friday night freaking out, wondering whether I should do it or not. I would be living with a great group of people, but I�m afraid that I wouldn�t be good enough, or hardcore enough for a lifestyle of poverty and service.

I talked to James about it and he said it sounded like a grand adventure and I should go for it. �You should just know that once the Jesuits get their claws in you they never let go,� he said. He went to a Jesuit high school. You apply for a specific region, so I�m applying for the East Coast because I want to be near my family and James, darn it, and I don�t care if some people think I�ll be limiting my horizons by that. I put the spiritual recommendation in my purse and went to mass, wondering if I was going to give it to Father Thomas or not. But then his homily was about having regrets, and I knew I would regret it if I didn�t apply, so I gave the recommendation to him.

After all, I�m only applying. If they think I�m unqualified, they�ll just reject me, right? Or I could decline if after further prayer and thought I decided I wasn�t up to it. I�m sure there are thousands of people wanting to work in the inner city and get $75 a month. I hope there are.

9:47 p.m.
prev :: next