Disjointed entry
On Valentine's Day, Chris, Beth and I went out for coffee and s'moreos. After, he went out with some friends, Beth played Fiona Apple, and I went through my old picture albums to torture myself. Now I wish James wasn't so attractive. I'm just kind of sad, because he was almost perfect. Am I just too picky? But I know it's for the best. I couldn't live with a man I couldn't respect.
The thing is, I get in this rescue mode with some guy. But I need to realize that I can't save them. I mean, James did transform a lot in our relationship. He used to not be able to express any of his feelings. So we get to the point where he can say he loves me and wants to marry me and I dump him? What, was the challenge not there anymore? But I know it's over and I don't want to go back.
I'm just a little lost right now. I don't know in what direction I want to take my life. I'm mulling over doing JVC for another year, and I think I'd like to do it in the Northwest. My mother is deadset against it and says she needs me at home because she's in college. But Mom always says she need me. If my family really needed me I'd be back in a heartbeat, but I think it's just that Mom finds it hard to let got of her children. She burst into tears when I got my driver's license, and hates all the milestones of childhood-crawling, walking, first day of school, because it is inevitable leading us away from her. And I know another year of making no money will be tough, but I think there's a lot more I could gain from being a Jesuit Volunteer again.
My brother Reagan is a bona fide sports hero now. He jumped 6'7'' at sectionals and won in the hurdles too, which he just does as his second event and never wins. He was named the MVP for field events, and Victor won for the first time in over 20 years, beating James' old school McQuaid, which is a private single sex school. So that's just awesome. I hope it helps him get into West Point.
